have the stigma it does attached to it? Is it possibly because thirty is the cap on the decade when a person finally realizes they personally are aging? Is it because that aging is starting to be visible in the mirror? Is it the realization that a person's youth is "truly" over and societal pressures are unavoidably forceful concerning your need to "adult" in your Thirties? Is it because in the old show business model, my career is essentially over before it has even begun?
I honestly don't know the answer. Just when I think I have it figured out and have completely accepted my impending age, I am suddenly overwhelmed with my own mortality and from areas of my being that I would never expect, despair rises up and takes me. Just as quickly the feeling of impending doom pass and I feel an overwhelming sense of joy at leaving my Twenties behind. Like most of adulthood, an impasse that should by all accounts be by the book, black and white, straight forward, and every other cliche about understanding, has more subtlety and infinite distinction than I can comprehend.
Looking back, I can hardly believe how much of my life has happened in this decade. It may only be a 1/3 of my life so far but it is the first that has been entirely mine with no external influence. Most of my friends, most of my memories, most of my education, and most of my proudest accomplishments took place between the ages of Twenty and Thirty. I have been incredibly fortunate! I don't write that phrase lightly. I have also faced hardship and lost people I never thought I would lose. I have been stretched to my very limits and found comfort in the limitless limits of everyday life. I have striven and pursued and continued to follow my dreams. I've done things I never imagined I would do in my teens. I explored aspects of humanity in ways I'd never thought possible, and all the while perfecting my kitchen finesse.
Creatively it has been my most prolific decade and I have continued to hone my skills and talents, philanthropically it has been my most interesting decade, and professionally, I have worked more interesting places and with more interesting people than the entirety of my life before. In fact, today I just picked up a fourth job. Ridiculous, right? I went to work retail from 7a-12:30p and then at 1p, I started a freelance job with a friends new company and put in another 8 hours. I also now treasure a good work ethic and no longer take its existence for granted.
It's been a hell of a journey and I still feel like it's only just beginning. Maybe it's the dichotomy of feeling like your life is still starting but also feeling 30 years of wear and tear on your body and having 30 years of living experience under your belt; the simultaneous too young and too old feeling that people can't handle. Who can say? My mother had already had me and my sister when she was my age. That really puts things into perspective, but then again it doesn't. Everyone is different and every journey is different. I am completely the same and totally different. I am transformed and frozen.
One thing is certain, however. Tomorrow, the 19th day, I will need more than my usual dose of coffee. I hope my almost 30 year old kidneys can handle it.... Buck up boys, there's a lot of living to do!
Until tomorrow friends, good night.