My 30s: Day 1

An age that I never truly contemplated until recently is here.  Saturn has come and gone.  I have reached the start of a new decade, a new chapter of my life, and yet I feel the same.  I'm honestly a lot less hung over than I thought I would be (not at all actually... I guess those Fehring genes are showing through) and feel balanced and in-tune with myself.

I have spent this first day of my thirties, cleaning up from the party, fixing cell phone situations which involved a little bit of time travel, playing the piano and writing a little, and watching one of my favorite science fiction series.  All in all, with the exception of my poor wife having to work today, it has been a pretty marvelous first day of a new decade in my life.  

Tomorrow I will do some work at job four, and pack, then we will be flying home. I'm not sure where the time has gone.  To me, it feels like we were just starting to plan this trip and yet its now two days away.  Part of me feels like everything was just yesterday and yet ages ago.  The paradoxical dichotomy of the seeming passages of time is endlessly fascinating.

Day 1:

Well this is it.  This is the last day!  At 7:50 tonight I am officially a thirty year old.  I am leaving the wonderful bliss of twenty-something behind.

How do I feel? Pretty content actually.  I am sitting with my lovely wife and cat daughter watching one of my favorite shows, I cleaned and prepped last night so I don't have to today, and I am full from a delicious breakfast that we had delivered.

Will tonight feel like I pass through a force-field that strips away my youth? I doubt it.  As I've aged, I've figured out that it really is just another day.  What makes it special is what you and your loved ones implant on it.  The only thing I will probably feel tomorrow is hungover (an unfortunate trait of turning 25). I made wine punch which is surprisingly stout, even for me.

This is it! It has been a fun ride and a fun project.  I haven't decided if I will chronicle the first thirty days of my thirties yet.  I'd better decide soon...

Anyway, thanks for reading!

Day 2:

We all knew this day would come.

The "Artist" will now speak of his aesthetics and accomplishments.  I'll try not to make it too much to bear.

I have spent a great deal of my time studying my art and "perfecting" my craft in the last decade. This endeavor actually took up most of my days in one form of another and I can't honestly say whether I'm any better at any of them when I started, but I definitely am more experienced! That truly is something to be proud of.  Also, at least at this point I can finally verbalize what moves me and what I hold in the utmost importance as far as aesthetics go.  Bear in mind that these hypothesis are untested and subjugated by my own person experiences and findings.  No scientists were harmed in the creation of these ideas!

*Note: I am only speaking of my two main subjects and their love child: Music, Theater, and Musical Theater

There is a Venn Diagram that I have found particularly useful over the past decade...(YAY CHARTS!) and I would like to share it with you.  It is highly debated among scholars and many question its validity in understanding aesthetics, but I like it and this is my blog so;

I find that I am most moved by the Academic, the Folk, and the shared spaces of all three.  Why is that?  Am I more moved by things unique and under experienced? Am I a snob whose intellectual aspirations cloud my ability to enjoy things on mass?  Am I a hipster?

In an in depth analysis of appeal, I came to a shockingly simple answer (This also generalized and only tested by my personal observations.

Each of the three aspects of culture appeal to different parts of our being.  Generally, Pop appeals to our body and our base desires. This is especially true in music! I cannot tell you the amount of times I have questioned a persons taste toward a pop song and their reply has been, "It has such a good beat!" This is generally why the lyrics contain multiple repeats of phrases.  Bear in mind I am speaking only of the pure pop circle here.

What I have discovered about myself it that I am only interested in the top two circles and and the combinations of the three.  Anyway, this is long and complicated and no one will probably care, but being able to articulate my aesthetic principles, even in simplistic terms, is a huge accomplishment!  This is what I am after.  I can truthfully say that I have a deep understanding of what moves me and can analyze that!  I can also articulate in an intellectual manner why I don't like certain songs, pieces, and works (and boy do I...).

I have written some things that I'm incredibly proud of! I've performed some roles that I'm incredibly proud of! I've seen some amazing things develop and watched talent bloom and grow! I've performed with numerous Jazz Combos, Rock Bands, Big Bands, and A Capella groups.  I've done "prestigious" things and I've had more fun that I can say.  I've tap danced! (Childhood dreams do come true!) Anyway, I can't even talk about all I've done because a decade is a long time!

In this coming decade, I'm going to be less awkward about sharing my talents (even if that means singing more karaoke, which I hate).  I feel for some reason, that even if people ask me what I'm working on, I'm being irritating if I talk about it.  I know I can deliver the goods, so I'm going to have to start acting like it.  I think the key is to find balance and still maintain my charm.

Anyway, people, this is the end of day two!

Day 3:

G

Today is the day that everyone celebrates one of my many heritages by getting wasted and behaving poorly.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

I actually wish that people would celebrate days from every culture and clan across the world with such gusto! Perhaps if we did, even if it involved some poor behavior, we could come at conflict with a bit more understanding and love!

Why do we celebrate anyway? I believe it comes from our oh so human need for connection.  I maintain that people are their most true selves when they celebrate and one can learn more from a person in five minutes than working with them for two months!  My catering job has given me the opportunity to study celebrations that I couldn't even imagine and I get to attend like a fly on the wall.  It's the very best way!  I've also seen the darker sides of celebrations, but that is a whole other blog.

Something I've done my best to overcome in my twenties is how much celebration means to me and how heartbroken I can feel if things go wrong.  I like most, will be celebrating this momentous birthday with a party.  An embarrassing confession: I have hosted lots of parties throughout my life where no one came.  I know that last sentence reads like a teen angst plot cliche, but alas its true.

It has taken me years to finally realize that it is not a reflection of me, that there is no malicious intent, and that life gets in the way sometimes.  Sometimes the irony of this situation escapes me, especially since I have never surrounded myself with those kinds of people (in my personal life anyway...) However, I'm still afraid.  Sometimes fear can be a good thing.  On the bright side, it constantly reminds me of how much my friends and loved ones mean to me! I also am eternally grateful for my awesome wife ( I know, I know. She really is amazing! Those of you who know her know!)

The point is that life is unpredictable and silly and wonderful and it can be even more so, when you celebrate it with the people you love!

Here's to that! 

Day 4:

There's nothing quite like a series of unfortunate events, mistakes, and disappointments to bring you back to reality.

All of my pet peeves boil down to two major principles and I beg your pardon but there will be some language in those points

1. DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE!

2. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!

The most important revelation that has come to me throughout my twenties, besides the fact that no one really knows anything in the grand scheme of things and thy even experts can flounder in their own fields, is that my pet peeves are of course based on my own short comings.  Maybe that's why they bother me so much.  In my perception, I work exceptionally hard everyday just to appear somewhat functional in society: to get done what I need to and to be kind to other humans while doing it.  I mean that's what society is, an "agreed" upon set of rules, regulations, and containment initiatives that attempt to hold millions of desperate, disparate souls into a cohesive, mostly functional, idealized union.  Humanities survival for this long has been nothing short of miraculous under these conditions, especially considering that everyone's individual and personal truths are entirely unique and most wars are fought over less.

The point is, I've been told I should let my pet peeves go and be more forgiving of humanity.  None of us are perfect and that is constantly and consistently proven; however I have found that whenever I depend upon the kindness of strangers, I am left disappointed: the words of this optimist who was ripped into realism seem hallow and flawed.  I know from experience how difficult daily life can be and still somehow manage to try.  Am I completely wrong to at least hope that other people will do the same?  Is my disappointment my own doing because of these optimistic views that I cling to or am I just in my views and the disappointment in people, genuinely earned?

Who can say.  Maybe my thirties will prove more illuminating on this illustrious subject, or maybe the whole endeavor is folly...


It should be noted that this reflection is based on the general public and people that I am forced to deal with at jobs and in daily life, not on my own acquaintances, friends, or family.  I am remarkably lucky and blessed by the people I call my own! This is merely an expression of an overly sensitive, overthinking human who questions everything by nature.

Day 5:

Today, I got to cash in on a Christmas Gift.

It wasn't just any gift, my wonderful wife got us both tickets to see one of my songwriting and performance heroes at Madison Square Garden!

I GOT TO SEE BILLY JOEL TONIGHT!!!!

I can't even begin to put into words how I feel so this will have to be all for now, just know that an item off my bucket list was checked off tonight!

Progress!

Day 6:

Warning: This post is going to gush a little.

I have the best wife in the world.  I know that's a big statement, but it's true.  She surprised me yesterday with my first Birthday gift and has gotten me one for each successive day until my thirtieth.  She is constantly thinking about me and how to make my life better and I am truly a better person because of her.  I do my best to do the same!

Honestly, I never thought I would get married.  I had resigned myself in  my early twenties to spending my life alone, with lots of friends for sure, but alone.  I was a romantic and believed wholeheartedly in love, I just never thought it could happen to me.  I have always been self conscious, didn't really consider myself attractive, and had had relationships in the past that had ended badly, either for me or them or both.  The combination of those things led to this belief,  Boy was I wrong.

I guess the truth is I didn't truly understand was love was.  I'd heard some cliche or another about how everything freezes and locks into place, how the world stops and nothing else matters, how everything changes and yet remains the same but better: they're all true!  I can't really describe the feeling adequately.  All I can say is that when you know, you know! I honestly pray that every single person can experience what I have experienced with my wonderful wife.  Love is amazing and wonderful in every single form and humanity is better for it.

And that is enough of that.  Those of you who know me, have seen the look in my eyes when I talk about my wife and know that the statements above are true and not exaggerated.  Those of you who don't, will just have to trust me.

Day 7:

There are some days you just can't. Today is one of those days.

Day 8:

Does one who hasn't accomplished their goals deserve to relax? Does a person who has aspirations bigger than there current situation deserve some hours to spend time with people they love? I have read lots of "articles" on social media that claim truly successful people never take time off, never take vacations, never take a moment for themselves... Is this true? Is it possible that one can't be successful if they don't devote every waking second to their day?

For most of my early adulthood, I felt guilty. I have always pushed myself hard: sometimes to the breaking point. I'm from an area where self reliance and work ethic are prized traits. These traits make or break a new person to the area and with the first impression, the locals know. They can just tell. It's like a sixth sense for hardworking folks. I must admit, this has become another pet peeve but that's not what this blog is about. My point is I have spent far too much time in the past decade comparing myself to my heroes and feeling like a failure. Feeling like my "success" is never going to be a great as my heroes because the timelines don't match up.

It all comes down to my definition of success. In the last year, I had a revelation. Instead of wasting time, which I have decided feeling like a failure is, I have taken those feelings as an indicator that I'm tired, and need a break. It might not be the status quo and it might just be me justifying inherent laziness, however, I have never been happier or more productive. A lot of that has to do with my amazing wife who is a constant inspiration.

Frankly, I don't know what the future holds and I can't even begin to guess but what I know right here and right now is I'm going to keep following dreams and keep doing things that make me feel like a success. One of the best, is being married and succeeding as a husband, a cat father and a friend. 

When ever I feel down

I just look at where I'm from 

and am proud of where I came from and how far that I have come.

I mean look at this!

Actually, it's this.

To this!

And this!

And all the wonderful people I've met in my twenties!

My proudest discovery of my twenties has been the Buhhdist principle of balance. It fuels my happiness and keeps my "artist angst" in check. I hope that in my thirties I get even better at it!

Day 9:

Today's events were fairly slow compared to my previous days. I had the day almost entirely off except for a shift at the Public and a previous engagement. The Public is always fun even though it involves dealing with the public (for future reference: whenever I am referring to the theater, it will be capitalized; the general public as in groups of people, lowercase).  The appointment was for my wife and I to upgrade to the latest iPhone!

That's something I never thought I would be happy about! Ten years ago, it wasn't even possible. I mean think about it. What were you doing in 2006? I was still using a desktop computer exclusively, had a massive movie collection that was continuously updated through bargain bins, burned all of my MP3 files to CD, had a separate calculator, took notes on paper, and texted but with the numeric system! 

How far we've come! I mean ten years ago I couldn't conceive of needing the piece of conglomerated technology that I'm writing this blog on right now! One thing is for certain, having iPhones when we moved to this city saved our poor little small town lives! Hotel wifi needed payment, coffee shops and fast food places had it, but no where to plug in (my laptop was already dying a slow death)  and we had to find a place to live and stay connected with our jobs!

It's impressive what one can do on these devices and how many items they replace! I still can't entirely except that all of the content for my show @retailsongcycle has been created on iPhones.

I guess what tonight's post has really been about is how quickly things become common, everyday, and are taken for granted. Ten years ago, this was impossible! Even a year ago, some of this technology didn't exist. In my lifetime, a decade has become a technological eon. 

I'm already used to the bigger screen and wider keyboard.

Also I can do this! It's the little things.

Day 10:

It has been another really long day.  Today was my Friday however and I couldn't be more grateful.  I'm currently sitting in the dark eating leftover Thai food and listening to the distant sounds of crappy party music, Food Network, and my lovely wives peaceful sleep breathing.  I spent most of today away from her and I hate that.  I am however glad she seems to be sleeping well.

I worked another triple today.  It started off alright, we were preparing for a normal corporate visit, which is an awful lot like Mel Brook's Governor character in Blazing Saddles, "We have to protect our phony-bologna jobs, gentlemen! We have to do something about this immediately; immediately!". The phenomenon is something I've grown used to and can prepare for.  Essentially we have to make it seem like everyone is doing their jobs well all of the time, even when that isn't the case.  However, my team was thrown a curve ball today.

Those of us in merchandising at a certain unnamed mega corporation are submitted to monthly auditing (read as pop quiz) to ensure that or jobs are being done thoughtfully and maintained.  Today our auditor showed up at the same time as the corporate walk.  This was to much for the upper management team and they went into panic mode, a very common maneuver in their oeuvre of working habits. I ended up working for two and a half hours on a project, only to have to rip it down right afterwards: destroying all of my effort and essentially wasting my time.

That is the purpose of today's blog readers.  My beloved family is planning a party for my birthday and somehow it came up that all of our individual pet peeves should be celebrated by everyone at the party.  I have in my late twenties, narrowed down my personal pet peeves to just two major distinct, succinct causes, but those will be revealed closer to my birthday.  Today I will focus on one of the outskirt peeves that comes from both sources:  wasting my time.

I try every single day to not have a moment wasted.  I read and write on the train, I use monotonous tasks to create in my mind or sing songs to keep my voice in shape, I am always thinking about something as a precaution to avoid wasting my time.  I guess the moral of the story is I do everything in my power to make sure my time is spent doing something that I find productive.  I hate do overs (not mistakes or experiments) when in a context of miscommunication; when all of the struggles and work could have been avoided if people would've spoken to each other.  This is very common.  I am irritated far more than I should be.

Am I wrong?  Am I completely out of line?  I always try to complete something if I say I'm going to complete it, even if it can be time consuming or tedious.  Don't make me do it twice...I won't be happy.  Are you curious what the headliner pet peeves are?

I guess you'll just have to stay tuned (dated myself there....eesh) to see!

Day 11:

Time for another confession. Today's list was going to be my favorite shows that I've seen in my twenties. They all happened in New York. Then I was going to narrow it to New York shows and I realized that all of them have been at a specific theater...my theater. I don't know if I'm suffering from a familiar bias, if it's because I feel personally involved being in the room where it happened, because I've seen them all multiple times, or if it's because they are genuinely that great (I hope it's the last one)!

The other issue, I can't actually assign values and position the shows numerically. They all mean so much to me and touch me in different ways every single time (all the feels) and therefore I can't "pick a winner".

So here are the five shows in no particular order:

Hamilton

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=deApjIhhhC4

Fun Home

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Jmg1wsRYt8w

Here Lies Love

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=aYm5Gs3TCtY

The Good Person of Szechwan

https://vimeo.com/90679313

The Apple Family Plays

https://vimeo.com/80308708

Runner Up

First Daughter Suite

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FfEOQxhrY4g

The videos don't do them justice but it gives you a taste of what was and is! These pieces have changed my life personally and professionally and someday I hope to do the same. If you're more curious about any of the shows, I will gladly go into detailed discussion with you.

There have also been a show or two that I HATED! But that has no place here!

  

Day 12:

Day 12:

Today was a long day: it was my first triple in a long time and I'm exhausted. So I'll keep it brief and focus on some more joy that I've found in my twenties.

Today's Top Five List is-

My Top Five Favorite Foods I Didn't Try Until My Twenties:

5. Sushi

I'm not going to lie, as a child if you would have told me that I would love eating raw fish, I probably would've gotten sick. I had a weak stomach and couldn't handle the thought. When I finally tried it however at the age of twenty-one and somewhat ironically in the middle of Montana, I loved it!

4. Calamari

It was a very unilateral story for these little guys as well. Now I go out of my way to try dishes that contain this succulent ingredient!

3. Chicago Style Hotdogs

I have a kind of cool mutation in my family. We "suffer" from what is called Super Taster Syndrome where for some reason our taste buds are four times more sense than the average human. As a result, I had to train my palette to be able to process multiple flavors at once and for a long time, couldn't handle things like ketchup, mustard and pickles together on a burger. I could do each of them one at a time, but not together. When I finally had worked my mouth into adulthood as well, this flavor profile was legendary and Its now my preferred method of consuming hotdogs! 

2. Cannoli

Sweet mother of goodness! Don't even read any further, just run out and get one right now!!!!

1. New York Style Pizza

This may seem silly because everyone loves pizza, and I did and do but let me tell you, all those earlier feelings were nothing compared to that first time that I took a bite of New York Pizza! I was always a pan crust kind of guy and where I'm from, most of the establishments that serve pizza are chains. Now I'm a complete and total convert to the slice you have to fold in half to eat, in fact I eat it far more than I should. But hey, joy is joy right? And should be cultivated.

-There were some very close runner ups and not surprisingly, most of them have to do with NYC. This town will change anyone's culinary prowess for the better. 

-I should also note that after my tongue got used to processing punches of flavor, I became very adventurous in food and still am to this day. That is something I am very proud that as well. After all, going from a child who preferred his burgers plain and on a plain bun with no condiments, to an adult who will try anything and can appreciate almost everything he's ever eaten is an accomplishment of note.

Day 13:

Day 13:

A list of my top five favorite projects in my 20s-

Here's a bit of a preface, if you haven't gathered from reading, or by knowing me, I'm a busy guy. I confessed the other day how much I love being busy, that pared with my inherent verbosity in most written occasions can make for some very long posts. With these lists I'm attempting minimalism; but please don't discount the amount of thought that went into the decisions. I have loved almost everything I have ever done creatively, this was a tough list to make.

5: MAT Cabaret:

There were some great moments and some terrible ones but the Topsy Turvey Cabaret in February of 2009 was something I will always remember. We sang songs and wore clothes for the opposite gender while maintaining all of the traditions we developed. There was something really special about that run. This was also the most hats I've ever worn as a practitioner of theater and I'm still alive!

4: Guys and Dolls II:

I actually performed this show twice in my twenties (the first time will be on a different, much darker list {in fact it might even warrant a post of its own}). The second performance was my first major role in Missoula and it was tough. I stepped out of my comfort zone, out of the music department, our of my Fach, and stepped on some toes along the way. All of those things scared me to death. Turns out I could hit the notes, fit right in in the department, and win people back over, even if I stepped on important appendages. I made some lifelong friends and was recognized for the first time in my twenties, on talent alone. My one regret is that the night a cast member 's family filmed the show (illegally), it was closing night, I had developed a sinus infection. It was so severe that the next day, the infection came out my eyes! So of course that's the video on YouTube...I don't sound too bad, but still (insert awkward pretentious singer babbling here)!

3: Crazy For You:

I don't remember much of this show. The whole thing is a blur. It took place right after my dad passed away. I'm truly grateful for the healing and distraction it allowed and am still amazed I got through it. I am truly proud of the work I did. One thing I do remember, one particular night our elevator with all of our costumes and tap shoes got stuck between floors. Something had, thank God, told me to grab my shoes (something I had never done before) and take them with me. The result, I was one of two people making tap sounds in the show. We got through it! Unfortunately for me, I was so stressed that I did the choreography backwards (I still made every single sound though!) also unfortunately for me, this was the night another cast member's parent filmed. It just seems to be my luck!

2: Urinetown:

This show was very special to me for several reasons but most importantly it came at the perfect time (I had just been fired for a non-legitimate reason from a job that I hated), was a part I never thought I would get to play, and allowed me to use both my performance and design talents. I'm still incredibly proud of this show and what was done in it. It was also the first show I performed with my wife in!

1: The Retail Song Cycle:

This show has been in development since 2009. That same summer as Urinetown, a fire was awoken in me to tell not only my story, but the story of all of us. The effects that place had on my psyche and spirit I still feel to this day. The way I saw humanity treat itself shaped my philosophies, warped my principles, and nearly succeeded in extinguishing hope. Now hopefully, this will be the year the world gets to see it. It might be vain to choose something I'm attempting to promote, but the way this story has unfolded, changed my life and I am overly proud of the work I've done.

Links to most of these things can be found on my website or Soundcloud page if you're curious.

Day 14

Day 14:

And now for today's countdown,

Here are my top five favorite positions I have held in my twenties.

5. Books and Briar

Ah my home town, well one of them anyway, had an adorable little mom and pap bookstore that also sold children's toys and tobacco. It was my dream job because I fancied myself a book guy and positions were hard to come by.  This was when retail was still a romanticized business to me. I loved that little place and am sad it doesn't exist anymore.

4. CWCUDoc Program

This was the sweetest gig I ever had! I checked in on two kids twice a day and got my apartment and all of my meals paid for as well as my toaster and a years worth of cleaning supplies after it was over!

3. MAT Cabaret Artistic Director

I did this job for a year and learned more than I ever thought possible about hierarchy, the importance of organization, and the art of theater itself. It truly was the best and worst of times!

2. Designer for Cutler Bros

This one meant a lot to me, not just because I was designing the set but because of the problem solving I accomplished. I turned an architecturally unique high school band room into a fully functioning performance space! I designed and created everything in it and am still duple proud!

1. FOH at the Public

I know it seems silly and doesn't pay the best, but this job has allowed me to see theater being developed! Not just any theater but Tony award winning theater and some of the best that I have ever seen! It has given me the opportunity to watch shows like Fun Home, Hamilton, and Here Lies Love come into being and evolve and I can't imagine a better way to hone my craft!

After all, what are we end the end of the day but a ball of feelings and marketable skills?

No we are what our experience teaches us!

Day 15:

Day 15:

And now for something completely different...

The kitchen can be an intimidating place. It is both an art studio, and a science lab: the difference is that your work will be judged immediately, harshly, and can literally kill someone (depending on the food you make...)

Scared yet?! Which is why I would like to reveal, my

Top 5 Biggest Accomplishments in the Kitchen in my Twenties:

5: Being able to perfectly slice an onion. (In any desirable way.)

I know it doesn't seem like much but the truth is, the onion is the key that unlocks every major savory cuisine in the world! I learned a long time ago that even people who claim to not like onions, miss the flavor when it's not there. There is something inherently delicious about that wonderful flavor and it goes in basically everything. It's very important! I slice it three different ways for my guacamole, salsa, and bean dip! 

4: The realization that booze makes every dish better and incorporating it; even in recipes that don't call for it.

This point proves itself but the right kind of alcohol can take a regular recipe and make it gourmet. Making marinara? Add Merlot. Making a pan sauce? Add beer! Whisky bean dip, Koltiska strawberry shortcake, Baileys and Oreos (just kidding!)...but seriously. It's all magical! Try it!

And speaking of that point,

3: Perfecting My Mulled Wine. 

If you know me at all you know my favorite time of year is the holidays. Winter is my favorite season followed closely by fall and both seasons call for spice. Mulled wine is a magical beverage that monopolizes my thoughts during the colder months. I'm proud to say that at the age 26, I completed my recipe and was confident enough to share it. This December, I even made custom labels for bottles that we shared. People love it and so do we. When you start making recipes your own, you truly start to "own" the kitchen.

Also speaking of booze (I guess these should both be subcategories.)

2: Perfecting My Pie Crust.

This process took a long time and the resulting recipe is a combination of 6 different recipes and lots of experimentation, butter and flour, a touch of shortening, and vodka. The reason being, the liquor makes the dough a workable consistency but evaporates almost entirely, making the crust flaky and tender.

And last and definitely not least,

1: The Thanksgiving Turkey.

This is a right of passage for every cook, in every home, in this country. Many people don't even attempt it! Rightfully so I might add. I have mighty shoes to fill! My Mom's Mom is an amazing cook! Her Thanksgivings are the stuff of legend! Everything she made was amazing and lots of the recipes I make are in an effort to live up to the traditions she and the rest of our family put in place. Love you, Grandma! 

*(That's why I still make four pies, even if there are only two of us: Apple, Pecan, and two Pumpkins {because the 32oz can of pumpkin makes two}).  

*[I did try and make a pumpkin pie from scratch and found its not really worth the trouble but I do like to season my own pumpkin] 

*Anyway

The very first year I attempted to make a Turkey, I was terrified! I'm not going to lie to you, raw poultry freaks me out! I had decided to brine it and when I was taking it out of the fridge, it slipped and raw poultry infested liquid went EVERYWHERE and I channeled my father and swore up a storm. My wife and sister still make fun of me for that outburst but I feel it's justified. As a victim of salmonella, I can tell you it's not a fun thing to risk. 

*(side note: we got salmonella from an Arby's Turkey Sandwich, not mine or anyone else's cooking. We couldn't even touch Turkey for several years. In fact, I think I made two turkeys, we took four years "off", and then I started again. I lost so much practicing time!)

I have since learned to enjoy the process and can turn out a pretty decent if not delicious bird. It's still nowhere near my Grandma's but who knows, maybe someday.

The point is, there is something that's truly amazing about preparing your own food and food for people you love! One of my favorite things we started last year was a monthly dinner party with a group of friends. It hasn't been every month but scheduling anything in this town is a nightmare! The point is, I'm proud I've used my first decade of real adulthood to do some real adulting by cooking: you should try it! I'm still learning everyday and love every minute of it!

I'll give you a hint, the secret ingredient is always a cliche: love!

Go make something!

*an interesting happenstance was that this post has been planned for a while but tonight while working at the Public, I saw for the first time our new show, "Hungry." It's a wonderful play about a family and takes place in a kitchen, the interesting thing though is they actually cook onstage! It smelled so good in there I almost couldn't handle it.

Day 16:

Day 16:

I once heard someone say that obligations must be met and for the most part, I agree. (This gem was probably my father but I cannot remember exactly. He said things like this all the time.) That is philosophically something I have spent the majority of my adulthood trying to live.  I am a firm believer that promises should be kept, agreements should be fulfilled, contracts should be upheld and yet even now I am engaging in hypocritical behavior. 

Tonight's post will be short. The main reason: today was my only day off. My wife also had the day off. Spending time with her is something I need with every fiber of my being.  Work/life balance is something I'm still working on, as a living conundrum who is inherently a little lazy but also doesn't like sitting still.

In short, I'm writing this because I said I would and am living up to my obligations and deadlines, but feel guilty because four paragraphs is not the best work I can do and the perfectionist control freak that lives in my head is belittling me.  This is adulthood. This is actually what being an adult means: balancing opposing forces that could tear you apart in such a way that they don't.

The next five post will be other than me waxing philosophical. My twenties have been more than me learning a lot and realizing that I know nothing. Ah, adulthood.

Until tomorrow, dear friends!

Day 17

Day 17:

Moments of epiphany are recherché and an unbelievably beautiful thing. Whether on a large scale or a minuscule one, the world's spinning slows for a moment and you feel your whole being click into a place of adherence and understanding.  You are the key that finally fits.  Waves of euphoria cleanse you and doubt, for a moment, is washed away. A whole new perspective is philosophically within your grasp and everything seems right in the world.  Even the memories of these moment can motivate and invigorate who you are and what you can become. 

Some would question my mental state reading the opening statement for this blog about my twenties, but believe me, there is a purpose to my musings.

I personally believe that the epiphanies we experience throughout our lives are chief motivators of our behavior.  The sensation I described is literally, one of the most rewarding emotional states we can experience on this plane of existence.  I know I have been personally affected.

Truth be told, and why not at this point, I get that feeling with songwriting. The rush of having music and lyrics pour out after days, weeks, and sometimes months of hard work (Pansy took seven months to complete) and the depth and emotional implications that your subconscious can produce never cease to amaze me. Composing music is still something very mystical and magical in my mind and I hope it always will be. I have studied it my whole cognitive life and still get chills, still am moved in ways I never expected.  I feel that way performing too!

Maybe I'm selfish in that I want to create this feeling for myself as a career. Or perhaps this is the actual dream, to find a task that stimulates you so deeply, you are moved and epiphanies are had. It was easy as a child when everything was new and wonderful. Adulting is hard. Daily life can overtake you in an instant and your dreams seem unattainable or unworthy of your investments. That undefinable fear that lingers about lives wasted and moments lost.

Don't give up!  I knew what I was meant to do the moment I first sang in front of people. Then schooling, career counseling, and a lot of bad advice got in my way. I am so grateful for the people who always believed in my talent and have supported my endeavors, as crazy as they sometimes seem.  I found my epiphany, and at almost thirty can still stand behind my decisions. I honestly hope you find yours.

Day 18

Day 18:

Today is the third day in a row where I will be standing for over twelve hours.   My feet are not fans of this behavior, but every other part of my body seems to love the act of being active.  My mind however is enthralled by the challenges of multitasking and the constant stimulation of creation.  One of the perceived benchmarks of actual adulthood is the honing in on goals and the focus that results. This concentration of endeavors supposedly allows for more free time, more fulfilling work, more hours in the day, distinctions between our work and our home life.  I guess these desires weren't conceived by a person with a mind like mine.  Sometimes my brain even convinces itself that it yearns for simplicity, but cannot handle the consequences of said lifestyle.  Even before my twenties I was a scatterbrained, busy-bodied, overbooked, multitasker who somehow miraculously managed and continues to pull through the perceived chaos.

I have been told throughout my life that if I stopped for a moment and concentrated on one single endeavor, the results would be astounding. Personally, my results have proven otherwise. My best grades were from last minute assignments. My best songs sprung out right before the deadlines.  All of my projects depend on pressure, and the momentary distraction from the problem at hand brought about by other projects breathes fresh air into a subject that can feel stale after days of concentration.

For instance, today on top of my day jobs,  I was working on this blog; book, music, and lyrics for "The Retail Song Cycle"; book, music, and lyrics for two other shows; music and lyrics for a separate musical project with a friend; a new Musical Theatre podcast called "Frivolous"; reading a book; planning the party this blog is counting down to; creating systems for freelance work; watching Gilmore Girls; cooking dinner; and spending time with my wonderful wife.

*Life Hint: the last item on that list is the most important!

When I reread the list above, I myself begin to question my sanity! My biggest problem is that I love learning and always have. I get immense pleasure from knowledge and in depth discussion on subject far and wide.  My interests are eclectic, diverse, and constantly growing. If I come across a subject or item or story that creates that tug my body knows so well, I immediately begin researching. I ponder it from all angles, discern its implications, digest my personal feelings about the subject and cannot seem to get it out of my head until it is complete and cognizant in my mind.  

This lesson is one my twenties and I didn't see eye to eye on until toward the end.  It has taken me a long time and needless to say lots of thinking to be ok with the way my head works.  It's creative and successive and seemingly scattered to everyone but me. After years of torment I finally look at my everywhereness as an advantage.  It's something I took for granted as a child, that institutionalized learning and standardized testing took from me, and that I am eternally grateful for now.

Part of our own uniqueness and our own humanness is how each qualifying individual decision is made, why it was made, and how the decision is executed. Those who know me, know my thinking face well. I just hope that it does some good!

Day 19

Day 19:

It's 5:25 in the morning. I still hate waking up this time of day. I remember hoping in my teens that someday the morning person hidden in me would spring forward and take over. He hasn't yet and I honestly don't know if he ever will. I do appreciate this time of day though. Especially here in New York. The trains are less crowded, the streets are still quiet and smell of pastries and coffee, the sun rising through the  buildings, I love all of those things.  

There are some other "marks of adulthood" that haven't quite kicked in for me yet. I'm still a mess potential. This is something that bothers me as well. My twenties have involved me living in several locations, some of which were just mine: something everyone should experience at least once as a test of your person.  

I remember during my twentieth year I was living in the West Apartment building at Central Wyoming College. It was a dated and fairly small apartment. The cabinets were Orange Formica and the Furniture was repurposed shipping pallets, it was ugly but it was my own. 

That year I had thrown a Christmas Party and didn't actually finishing cleaning up after until my birthday. Gross. In my defense I was rocking a twenty-four credit semester, two jobs, and every show the department produced that year in some fashion, plus being a typical twenty year old and purposefully missing out on the four hours of sleep opportunity actually available to me by hanging out with friends. Cleaning was quite literally my last priority as a twenty year old human.  I thought perhaps the age and lack of aesthetic value in that apartment was also a factor.

It was a little better after I moved to Missoula, Montana to continue my education.  I had multiple roommates for the first time in my life and that helped but even still, none of us were naturally neat people.  I actually ended up living in three places in Missoula in my five year tenure there.  

The first one was a beautiful three bedroom duplex on the South Hills.  I loved that place.  My dad drove all of our stuff up there from Riverton, Wyoming using one of his many covered trailers.  He lead the convoy at an excrutiatingly slow pace up Interstate 90, I occupied the center spot, and my friend Alex (he had another name at the time) brought up the rear. When we arrived, we squatted on our own living room floor because the real estate managers, Lambros: a name that would grow more foul the longer I stayed, had decided to change our move in date without informing us. I should have known there was something amiss because three months later, Lambros sold the property out from under our lease and forced us to move. 

We ended up on Calistoga Street in the Canyon Creek Village (nationally famous because of its Harry Potter themed street names) in a lovely three bedroom house that over looked the interstate.  It was neat to live in a house all our own! Our only complaint was that when the wind blew, the pilot light went out. We stayed for six months until our lease ended and my roommates headed to opposite ends of the country - one in L.A. and one in Nashville.

My third and final home was a beautiful one bedroom apartment on Pine Street in Historic Downtown Missoula. I stayed in this place for five years. It was not only three times the size of the apartment in NYC we live in now, but it was also the first place my wife and I lived together.  We even went so far as to research the apartment building's history because of its unique architecture and layout. We loved that place and were sad to see it go. 

All of the places in Missoula were habitually messy as well. So much for the aesthetic nature of the home inspiring me to clean. I remember as a child, the only time I ever wanted to have a neat room was when a friend or guest was coming over. That feeling stayed with me through my teens and my early twenties. 

In New York, we have lived in two apartments so far: both in Crown Heights in Brooklyn, one on Park Place and one on Pacific Street.  One was "historic" and the other a gut renovated house of sin. Don't worry everyone, there is literally nothing left from the days of yore and anyone who has been inside can see how lovely the building has become.

These two have also been habitually messy. I could claim, and rightfully so, that this city is too fast paced and requires far more effort just to live and therefore my home can lean toward the messy side of the spectrum. While that is partially factual, the truth remains that cleaning is not especially high on my list of priorities. My poor wife was a bit of a neat freak before I came into her life and has sadly had to settle for a less than spotless existence. On the bright side, we both have more relaxing time; something that is rare and desperately needed here. Also on the positive side of the spectrum, I have gotten better about doing dishes and dusting, scrubbing and polishing, and staying somewhat organized. However to claim it will ever become my top priority; alas it probably will not. Although who knows, maybe in nineteen days something will finally click and I'll become a compulsive tidier. Maybe I'll also become a morning person who isn't dependent on stimulants in high doses. Who can say? Anything is possible.